Hello all,
It's been 5 months since my last blog post and some days it feels like it was just yesterday. April 25th will be a year since we lost Scott and his unveiling has finally been scheduled. The ceremony will be held on April 7th, at 10:30 am at the Cemetery where he rests:
The cemetery is the Eternal Light Memorial Gardens
11520 State Road 7
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://maps.google.com/maps/place?q=eternal+light+memorial+gardens&hl=en&cid=14839868057363837533
If you aren't familiar with unveiling ceremonies, this is a short, informative read: http://www.myjewishlearning.com/life/Life_Events/Death_and_Mourning/Burial_and_Mourning/Tombstone.shtml
It should be a short ceremony, and please don't feel obligated in any way to attend. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew about it. You all can, of course, visit the cemetery whenever you'd like. Scott's parents are having a bench installed and the grounds are quite beautiful, though Scott was never one for feeling like he had to go visit his loved ones graves to remember them - he believe they lived on in his heart and his happy memories. I believe the same. I will probably do another post after the unveiling with the picture of the stone for those who could not attend.
I hope you are all doing well and that happy memories of Scott bring you comfort. I finally reached a point around the time of my last blog post where I was remembering the healthy, happy Scott - before he got too sick. I can hear his sweet voice in my head again and imagine his smile. I can remember happy times instead of the fresh memories of him being scared and in pain and can usually overcome the bad memories when they hit me by thinking of the good ones. I remember friends telling me that time would come eventually, and in the beginning it was hard to imagine it would - but they were right. I hope and pray the same has happened for you all.
What I didn't know would happen is that I would join this crappy club of "knowing" - the undeniable knowing and painful understanding you have when a friend goes through the same thing. It's like this unspoken language of understanding that I didn't know existed, but the craziest part is that I SHOULD have - it's what made the support of my "knowing" friends and family so valuable while I was getting through the darkest of days leading up to Scott's death and the grieving process after. I experienced the "knowing club" for the first time as I talked to my friend and former "Work Husband" about the recent loss of his Mother. And as we talked about her final days in hospice and preparing for her funeral, I was struck by the immense love and friendship that my "knowing" friends showed me and how hard it must have been for them to support me through it. You guys know who you are and I thank you with all of my heart - I hadn't truly understood the burden you bear and I can only hope that I will properly pay it forward.
I've been meaning to post about the unveiling for over a week now, and every time I sat down to login to the blog, I decided I wasn't ready. Tonight, I decided it was time and I'm glad I chose tonight so that I could read my last post. Today, I learned of another beautiful friend who was diagnosed, as well as an extended family member from my past who will resume her battle - I needed the reminder to myself that I will not let cancer and the loss of Scott make me damaged and lose hope. Please don't forget either - remember that there is every reason to "Just Keep Swimming".
Love to you all,
Amy
Monday, March 18, 2013
Friday, September 7, 2012
A message to all those affected by Cancer – and that’s most of you
Unfortunately, you are most likely affected by cancer. Either you knew Scott, or you are battling,
or have a friend or loved one that is. Maybe you came across this blog while
doing the inevitable internet research to understand Ewing’s Sarcoma for
yourself or a loved one. I never
realized, until Scott was diagnosed, that cancer is all around me. Now that I do, I have some things I want to
say.
I’ve been planning this blog post since Scott passed away. I knew that I didn’t want to let this blog
end negatively. Scott wouldn’t have
wanted that, either. After all, he chose
the name “Scott’s Chemo Adventure”, because we never had any intention – the thought
didn’t even cross our minds in the beginning – that it would end
negatively. I’ve been putting off this
post, despite what I hope to be a very positive message, because it’s still hard. I've learned it will always be hard. But
tonight, as I cried through the Stand Up To Cancer telethon (more on that
below), I decided tonight was the night - because I DO still Stand Up – because
I DO still believe that there is hope. My
best friend asked me how I can tolerate watching the show, and I told her I
feel like I have to look this in eyes and “Stand Up”. I don’t want to be defeated. What happened to Scott and countless other
beautiful people is real, and I don’t want to forget or pretend that it’s
not. And most importantly, I don’t want
YOU to give up hope.
In my bereavement support group (more on that below, too) I
met a woman who wears a pink rubber cause bracelet that says “Hope” in honor of
her sister. She took care of her sister
for 8 long years during her battle with cancer that ultimately took her
life. I asked her how she can still have
hope. She said that the word “hope”
meant so much more to her than hoping for her sister to beat this disease – she
hopes for a cure, she hopes she and her family will heal, she hopes for peace,
she hopes to help other people affected by cancer. Her answer blew me away because I was
feeling, at that time, like there wasn’t much to hope for anymore. And I thought about her answer for days – I still
do. And I remember the many, many
survivors we met. We met amazing
doctors, nurses, counselors, caregivers – people from one side to the other of
the medical spectrum, and people from one side to the other of the patient,
friends and family spectrum. I learned
from each and every one of them why I should have hope.
I’m not going to lie – for the first time in my life, I am scared of
death. It’s real to me now. But I believe – with all of my heart – that
if I, or any of you, were diagnosed with cancer, there is every reason to have
hope. Many, many people survive. Many, many people get to go on with their
lives, kicking cancer’s ass. According
to the American Cancer Society, an estimated 13.7 million Americans with a
history of cancer were alive on January 1, 2012. That’s a whole lot of SURVIVORS! More
treatments are being discovered all the time and the odds are getting better
and better. Some of you know that I’m
blessed to have a friend who is an over 8-year survivor of Ewing’s Sarcoma –
and she was knocking it down before Scott ever even came into my life.
It doesn’t always end the way it ended for Scott, and if you
are battling, have battled before, or have a loved one battling – never never
never give up. Have hope. Don’t get too scared. Stay strong.
Just keep swimming. Stay informed
– but rationally. Know that you are
going to read a lot of scary things, and use those to your advantage. Use the information to stay ahead in the
battle – to ask about the options and know how to combat the side effects of
treatment. Know what to do to help you
battle (both as a patient and as a caregiver).
Know what facilities and Doctors specialize in what types of cancers. Know where to go to help you find a community
of support and understanding. Know how
to take care of yourself and what to do to prevent cancer and detect it early. Know that you, or your loved one, can beat
this.
Know that even I, while missing Scott every day, still have
hope. If I can – you can, too.
Please take a moment to learn about the organization Stand
Up To Cancer: http://su2c.standup2cancer.org/what_is_su2c.html. su2c donates 100% of public funds directly
into research grants and they are helping doctors and scientists in their fight
to find a cure. Even a little donation
helps (and they have really cool shirts, too!)
J
I launched a star in memory of Scott tonight. You can check it out here: http://constellation.standup2cancer.org/40850. You can also donate to them by adding to his
star, too. They make it super easy to donate $10 just by texting the word STAND to 40202.
If you are local and affected by Cancer, I want you to know
about the charitable organization Gilda’s Club of South Florida (click
here). They are a non-profit organization
that supports everyone affected by cancer in all ways. They have support groups and activities for
those battling it now, separate groups for friends, family and caregivers, for
children, and the bereavement group I go to.
Gilda’s is not in a hospital, hospice or church – it is not a solemn
place. It is a place to go that feels
uplifting and supportive, but doesn’t try to deny the impact, and the reality,
of cancer. They’ve been very helpful for
me, and may be for you to. I wish I had
made time to go to their caregiver’s group while Scott was battling.
There are several Gilda’s locations across the country, but
there are other organizations out there that help, too. I know support groups aren’t for everyone,
but it’s been good to connect with other people who understand what I’m
feeling. I know “I didn’t know what I
didn’t know” before this. I didn’t have
a clue. None. And now, it brings me some comfort to talk to
others about my fears and feelings, and have someone looks me in the eyes and
say “I get it”, and they truly do. It
helps me realize I’m not crazy for the way I’m mourning and grieving – that this
is normal.
Thank you for reading my very long post, and thank you for
your love and support throughout the past two years. I’m not going to write any more posts here
after this one – I don’t think there’s anything else necessary to say. (Lord knows, I’ve said enough!) J If it made you feel just a little better
reading this, then that’s the most I can hope for. Please remember to Just Keep Swimming!
Love always,
Amy
Friday, July 20, 2012
Happy Birthday, Babe
July 21st
On this day, you would have been 34 years old, but you did more in your 33 years then many people do in a "full" lifetime. You are loved. You are missed. You are still making a difference in this world. Your memory will always be strong. We will always celebrate your life and the beauty you added to ours. You told me that you were sad because you weren't going to get to leave a legacy. I know you meant a child, but I told you that your legacy would be different - your legacy was the amazing impact on the people's lives you have touched - I hope you believe me now.
They better be throwing you one amazing party in Heaven! (Do they have Publix cake there??) :)
I love you,
Aim
On this day, you would have been 34 years old, but you did more in your 33 years then many people do in a "full" lifetime. You are loved. You are missed. You are still making a difference in this world. Your memory will always be strong. We will always celebrate your life and the beauty you added to ours. You told me that you were sad because you weren't going to get to leave a legacy. I know you meant a child, but I told you that your legacy would be different - your legacy was the amazing impact on the people's lives you have touched - I hope you believe me now.
They better be throwing you one amazing party in Heaven! (Do they have Publix cake there??) :)
I love you,
Aim
Monday, June 25, 2012
2 Months
Hello all,
I can't believe it's been two months. In some ways, it feels like years have gone by; in others it feels impossible that he's been gone two months. It feels impossible because I still can't process how a light that burned so bright and so strong has been extinguished. And that's the same reason it feels like an eternity has gone by in two months - I spend every day still trying to process this. I know you all miss him so much, too. I can't imagine how his coworkers feel walking by his now empty desk. Our home is simultaneously comforting and sad to me. I have to admit that I had no clue what dealing with a loss was like before this - none. I wish Scott was here so I could tell him how amazing I think he is for coping with the loss of his Mother, Aunt Pam and his Grandparents. I try to find the words to tell Memmom how strong I think she is for dealing with such loss in her life, and how much my heart breaks for her and everyone that ever has to feel like this. I just didn't know what a true broken heart felt like. Things are getting harder as time goes by. I'm told by those unfortunate enough to have dealt with this that that is normal. I try to look at all of those people and see how they've rebuilt their lives and stay strong enough to do the same. I'm blessed to have help and people looking out for me and I am so grateful. I am probably going to try to go to a support group for young widows next week and see if that is helpful. I'm just trying to believe time heals and I hope that it does for you, too - I hope you all are ok.
His service was beautiful. There were about 280 people there, and I know there would have been much more if those who couldn't make it would have been able to. He deserved that - he is loved and he made a difference and, of course, there were so many people there to pay their respects. I only know how many people were there from the sign-in book - I couldn't even bring myself to look around. The Rabbi performing the ceremony was a great guy, and beautiful words written by his brother Greg, Uncle Bear, Holly & Neil and my Dad were read by themselves, the Rabbi or others. I've been back to the cemetery once to see him - he has a beautiful view, at least.
I tried to be strong and write Scott's PA, our beloved Liz, about a week ago. I look back at my email and it was so full of typos and it didn't even sound like me who wrote it. She graciously replied anyway and said that they were all still thinking of him and missing him. Hello to everyone who reads this at Sylvester and 11 North. I think of you all so often and am so grateful you all took such good care of him. Hopefully has time goes on, I'll get the courage to come down for a visit.
Going back to work has been good. I work for an amazing company who truly supported me through all of this. Everyone has been great and understanding. Routine, albeit a new one, has been good. The puppies seem to be doing good, though I obsess over their well being all the time now. They now have a dog walker that comes by to take them for long walks and play time every day while I'm at work - they love it. Having them with me helps a lot, too. Maggie is so sweet, and though Oliver is sweet too, he's still crazy and that makes me smile.
What would have been Scott's 34th birthday is coming up on July 21st. I hope to be with his brother, Dee and my nephews that weekend, but please help me celebrate his life - the good times - on that day and honor his memory. Listen to Billy Joel - watch Star Wars - hug your doggies - do anything that makes you think of Scott and smile. It's so hard for me to get the bad thoughts out of my head yet - the memories of Scott who was suffering through the pain and anxiety in the end are still prevalent. I'm trying to focus on the happy memories and the healthy Scott and the difference he made in your life and mine.
I'll be honest - I've been dreading this blog post. I thought I'd do it soon after he passed, but every time I tried, I couldn't do it. Blogging before had a purpose - it was to let everyone know what was going on with Scott. I didn't even question that I had to do it - it was hard but had to be done. I felt like I had to do this tonight, to check in with you all and that I couldn't put it off anymore. I just wanted to say thank you to those that are still supporting me through this - those that have had to learn with me (or remember themselves) that every day is getting harder as reality sets in and affairs have to be handled, and those that are giving me the strength to keep going. I know it's not easy to not know what to say to me to ease the pain, but I appreciate that you still try. I miss him every minute of every day and I know he is missed by many. Thank you for keeping his memory alive.
I have one more post I want to do, and then it may be time to stop blogging here. I'll talk to you all soon.
Love,
Amy
I can't believe it's been two months. In some ways, it feels like years have gone by; in others it feels impossible that he's been gone two months. It feels impossible because I still can't process how a light that burned so bright and so strong has been extinguished. And that's the same reason it feels like an eternity has gone by in two months - I spend every day still trying to process this. I know you all miss him so much, too. I can't imagine how his coworkers feel walking by his now empty desk. Our home is simultaneously comforting and sad to me. I have to admit that I had no clue what dealing with a loss was like before this - none. I wish Scott was here so I could tell him how amazing I think he is for coping with the loss of his Mother, Aunt Pam and his Grandparents. I try to find the words to tell Memmom how strong I think she is for dealing with such loss in her life, and how much my heart breaks for her and everyone that ever has to feel like this. I just didn't know what a true broken heart felt like. Things are getting harder as time goes by. I'm told by those unfortunate enough to have dealt with this that that is normal. I try to look at all of those people and see how they've rebuilt their lives and stay strong enough to do the same. I'm blessed to have help and people looking out for me and I am so grateful. I am probably going to try to go to a support group for young widows next week and see if that is helpful. I'm just trying to believe time heals and I hope that it does for you, too - I hope you all are ok.
His service was beautiful. There were about 280 people there, and I know there would have been much more if those who couldn't make it would have been able to. He deserved that - he is loved and he made a difference and, of course, there were so many people there to pay their respects. I only know how many people were there from the sign-in book - I couldn't even bring myself to look around. The Rabbi performing the ceremony was a great guy, and beautiful words written by his brother Greg, Uncle Bear, Holly & Neil and my Dad were read by themselves, the Rabbi or others. I've been back to the cemetery once to see him - he has a beautiful view, at least.
I tried to be strong and write Scott's PA, our beloved Liz, about a week ago. I look back at my email and it was so full of typos and it didn't even sound like me who wrote it. She graciously replied anyway and said that they were all still thinking of him and missing him. Hello to everyone who reads this at Sylvester and 11 North. I think of you all so often and am so grateful you all took such good care of him. Hopefully has time goes on, I'll get the courage to come down for a visit.
Going back to work has been good. I work for an amazing company who truly supported me through all of this. Everyone has been great and understanding. Routine, albeit a new one, has been good. The puppies seem to be doing good, though I obsess over their well being all the time now. They now have a dog walker that comes by to take them for long walks and play time every day while I'm at work - they love it. Having them with me helps a lot, too. Maggie is so sweet, and though Oliver is sweet too, he's still crazy and that makes me smile.
What would have been Scott's 34th birthday is coming up on July 21st. I hope to be with his brother, Dee and my nephews that weekend, but please help me celebrate his life - the good times - on that day and honor his memory. Listen to Billy Joel - watch Star Wars - hug your doggies - do anything that makes you think of Scott and smile. It's so hard for me to get the bad thoughts out of my head yet - the memories of Scott who was suffering through the pain and anxiety in the end are still prevalent. I'm trying to focus on the happy memories and the healthy Scott and the difference he made in your life and mine.
I'll be honest - I've been dreading this blog post. I thought I'd do it soon after he passed, but every time I tried, I couldn't do it. Blogging before had a purpose - it was to let everyone know what was going on with Scott. I didn't even question that I had to do it - it was hard but had to be done. I felt like I had to do this tonight, to check in with you all and that I couldn't put it off anymore. I just wanted to say thank you to those that are still supporting me through this - those that have had to learn with me (or remember themselves) that every day is getting harder as reality sets in and affairs have to be handled, and those that are giving me the strength to keep going. I know it's not easy to not know what to say to me to ease the pain, but I appreciate that you still try. I miss him every minute of every day and I know he is missed by many. Thank you for keeping his memory alive.
I have one more post I want to do, and then it may be time to stop blogging here. I'll talk to you all soon.
Love,
Amy
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Rest in Peace
Loved ones,
Scott passed away this morning at 4:35am and is finally at peace. The pain and fear is gone, and I know he is already watching over us. His suffering is over. "Rest in Peace" - I never truly understood those words until now.
When I was writing my post last night, I was so fearful that he would continue to suffer and linger for many days, but it turns out he was waiting for his nephew's birthdays to pass like he said he wanted to. The day he found out that he had only days left, he asked what date it was. We told him it was April 16th, and he was scared that he would die on the 24th, on his beloved nephew's first birthdays. He wasn't going to let that happen, and if you know Scott, that shouldn't surprise you at all.
The funeral will be on Friday at 10:15am.
The funeral home is the Beth Israel Memorial Chapel
11115 Jog Road
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://www.bethisraelchapel.com/
The cemetary is the Eternal Light Memorial Gardnes
11520 State Road 7
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://maps.google.com/maps/place?q=eternal+light+memorial+gardens&hl=en&cid=14839868057363837533
This will not be the last post on this blog. In the coming days, I have much to say and share. I want to post pictures and stories about the wonderful man he was, and I want all of you to have the opportunity to do the same.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss - it's not just me or his family - we know all of you will miss him everyday. He touched so many hearts. Please keep your good memories of him with you to make you smile. He made a difference in this world.
Love,
Amy
Scott passed away this morning at 4:35am and is finally at peace. The pain and fear is gone, and I know he is already watching over us. His suffering is over. "Rest in Peace" - I never truly understood those words until now.
When I was writing my post last night, I was so fearful that he would continue to suffer and linger for many days, but it turns out he was waiting for his nephew's birthdays to pass like he said he wanted to. The day he found out that he had only days left, he asked what date it was. We told him it was April 16th, and he was scared that he would die on the 24th, on his beloved nephew's first birthdays. He wasn't going to let that happen, and if you know Scott, that shouldn't surprise you at all.
The funeral will be on Friday at 10:15am.
The funeral home is the Beth Israel Memorial Chapel
11115 Jog Road
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://www.bethisraelchapel.com/
The cemetary is the Eternal Light Memorial Gardnes
11520 State Road 7
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://maps.google.com/maps/place?q=eternal+light+memorial+gardens&hl=en&cid=14839868057363837533
This will not be the last post on this blog. In the coming days, I have much to say and share. I want to post pictures and stories about the wonderful man he was, and I want all of you to have the opportunity to do the same.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss - it's not just me or his family - we know all of you will miss him everyday. He touched so many hearts. Please keep your good memories of him with you to make you smile. He made a difference in this world.
Love,
Amy
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Checking in
Friends and Family,
We are still doing our best to keep Scott as comfortable as possible. The care he has been receiving at the hospice facility has been good. He is sleeping all the time now and is no longer lucid or talking at all. It's been devastating to watch him fighting with the pain and the anxiety, but now he's only stirring occasionally. It's so frustrating to me that the cancer rapidly took over his body in the last several months, but the time it's taking for the suffering to end has been excruciatingly slow. We all just want his suffering to end and for him to be at peace. I'm not sure if he's still fighting inside or it's just the fact that, before cancer, he was totally healthy and strong - this isn't supposed to happen at his age. It's so painful to watch my beautiful husband going through this. Please keep praying that he can be taken home and be with the loved ones he's lost soon.
I will write a post when I can to check in with you all. For those of you unaware of Jewish traditions, the funeral will be held very quickly after he passes - likely within 48 hours. I won't be able to give you much more notice than that.
There are no words to convey the gratitude myself and his family have for all of the support and kindness we have received. There's so many messages I have not been able to respond to yet. Please know that I am getting them and so appreciate them. I know many of you have worried that I am alone and please be assured I am surrounding by love and support. My family is here and taking care of me, our home and puppies. Scott's family (which is large) are all here for me, as well. I will have a long, different type of journey ahead after he passes, and my friends and family are all "on deck" to be there for when I'm ready for them. Many of you (you know who you are) have been patiently waiting for this part of the struggle to pass and understand that I will need you more for the next part - thank you for that.
Love to you all,
Amy
We are still doing our best to keep Scott as comfortable as possible. The care he has been receiving at the hospice facility has been good. He is sleeping all the time now and is no longer lucid or talking at all. It's been devastating to watch him fighting with the pain and the anxiety, but now he's only stirring occasionally. It's so frustrating to me that the cancer rapidly took over his body in the last several months, but the time it's taking for the suffering to end has been excruciatingly slow. We all just want his suffering to end and for him to be at peace. I'm not sure if he's still fighting inside or it's just the fact that, before cancer, he was totally healthy and strong - this isn't supposed to happen at his age. It's so painful to watch my beautiful husband going through this. Please keep praying that he can be taken home and be with the loved ones he's lost soon.
I will write a post when I can to check in with you all. For those of you unaware of Jewish traditions, the funeral will be held very quickly after he passes - likely within 48 hours. I won't be able to give you much more notice than that.
There are no words to convey the gratitude myself and his family have for all of the support and kindness we have received. There's so many messages I have not been able to respond to yet. Please know that I am getting them and so appreciate them. I know many of you have worried that I am alone and please be assured I am surrounding by love and support. My family is here and taking care of me, our home and puppies. Scott's family (which is large) are all here for me, as well. I will have a long, different type of journey ahead after he passes, and my friends and family are all "on deck" to be there for when I'm ready for them. Many of you (you know who you are) have been patiently waiting for this part of the struggle to pass and understand that I will need you more for the next part - thank you for that.
Love to you all,
Amy
Sunday, April 22, 2012
An update - we've moved
Friends and Family,
We have had to move Scott to a hospice facility today. While he was getting good care at home, the care he needs the most requires him to be in a facility so that they can give him IV medication and keep him more comfortable. The oral medications were not doing enough to control the pain and anxiety he is experiencing. He's been aware of what is going on most of the time (that started to noticebly decline yesterday and today) and he is scared. He doesn't want to die. It is the most horrible thing I have ever had to witness in my life. We made the right decision to move him and hope to have him feeling more comfortable soon.
We are now on the Hospice floor at Florida Medical Center in Lauderdale Lakes. http://www.fmc-campus.com/en-US/Careers/Pages/default.aspx. As the evil cancer continues to take over, his ability to hold normal conversations is almost gone. I expect that with the increase in medicine, that will continue to be the case. He has been able to say his goodbyes, and we have been able to say ours. We all just want him to be at peace now. Please hope and pray for his comfort and a speedy, peaceful passing.
I will continue to keep everyone posted as best as I can. Thank you to all that have sent their love and support and to the family and friends that are helping us get through this. Sadly, the hard part is nowhere near over - life without Scott will never be the same.
With Love,
Amy
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