Hello all,
I can't believe it's been two months. In some ways, it feels like years have gone by; in others it feels impossible that he's been gone two months. It feels impossible because I still can't process how a light that burned so bright and so strong has been extinguished. And that's the same reason it feels like an eternity has gone by in two months - I spend every day still trying to process this. I know you all miss him so much, too. I can't imagine how his coworkers feel walking by his now empty desk. Our home is simultaneously comforting and sad to me. I have to admit that I had no clue what dealing with a loss was like before this - none. I wish Scott was here so I could tell him how amazing I think he is for coping with the loss of his Mother, Aunt Pam and his Grandparents. I try to find the words to tell Memmom how strong I think she is for dealing with such loss in her life, and how much my heart breaks for her and everyone that ever has to feel like this. I just didn't know what a true broken heart felt like. Things are getting harder as time goes by. I'm told by those unfortunate enough to have dealt with this that that is normal. I try to look at all of those people and see how they've rebuilt their lives and stay strong enough to do the same. I'm blessed to have help and people looking out for me and I am so grateful. I am probably going to try to go to a support group for young widows next week and see if that is helpful. I'm just trying to believe time heals and I hope that it does for you, too - I hope you all are ok.
His service was beautiful. There were about 280 people there, and I know there would have been much more if those who couldn't make it would have been able to. He deserved that - he is loved and he made a difference and, of course, there were so many people there to pay their respects. I only know how many people were there from the sign-in book - I couldn't even bring myself to look around. The Rabbi performing the ceremony was a great guy, and beautiful words written by his brother Greg, Uncle Bear, Holly & Neil and my Dad were read by themselves, the Rabbi or others. I've been back to the cemetery once to see him - he has a beautiful view, at least.
I tried to be strong and write Scott's PA, our beloved Liz, about a week ago. I look back at my email and it was so full of typos and it didn't even sound like me who wrote it. She graciously replied anyway and said that they were all still thinking of him and missing him. Hello to everyone who reads this at Sylvester and 11 North. I think of you all so often and am so grateful you all took such good care of him. Hopefully has time goes on, I'll get the courage to come down for a visit.
Going back to work has been good. I work for an amazing company who truly supported me through all of this. Everyone has been great and understanding. Routine, albeit a new one, has been good. The puppies seem to be doing good, though I obsess over their well being all the time now. They now have a dog walker that comes by to take them for long walks and play time every day while I'm at work - they love it. Having them with me helps a lot, too. Maggie is so sweet, and though Oliver is sweet too, he's still crazy and that makes me smile.
What would have been Scott's 34th birthday is coming up on July 21st. I hope to be with his brother, Dee and my nephews that weekend, but please help me celebrate his life - the good times - on that day and honor his memory. Listen to Billy Joel - watch Star Wars - hug your doggies - do anything that makes you think of Scott and smile. It's so hard for me to get the bad thoughts out of my head yet - the memories of Scott who was suffering through the pain and anxiety in the end are still prevalent. I'm trying to focus on the happy memories and the healthy Scott and the difference he made in your life and mine.
I'll be honest - I've been dreading this blog post. I thought I'd do it soon after he passed, but every time I tried, I couldn't do it. Blogging before had a purpose - it was to let everyone know what was going on with Scott. I didn't even question that I had to do it - it was hard but had to be done. I felt like I had to do this tonight, to check in with you all and that I couldn't put it off anymore. I just wanted to say thank you to those that are still supporting me through this - those that have had to learn with me (or remember themselves) that every day is getting harder as reality sets in and affairs have to be handled, and those that are giving me the strength to keep going. I know it's not easy to not know what to say to me to ease the pain, but I appreciate that you still try. I miss him every minute of every day and I know he is missed by many. Thank you for keeping his memory alive.
I have one more post I want to do, and then it may be time to stop blogging here. I'll talk to you all soon.
Love,
Amy
