July 21st
On this day, you would have been 34 years old, but you did more in your 33 years then many people do in a "full" lifetime. You are loved. You are missed. You are still making a difference in this world. Your memory will always be strong. We will always celebrate your life and the beauty you added to ours. You told me that you were sad because you weren't going to get to leave a legacy. I know you meant a child, but I told you that your legacy would be different - your legacy was the amazing impact on the people's lives you have touched - I hope you believe me now.
They better be throwing you one amazing party in Heaven! (Do they have Publix cake there??) :)
I love you,
Aim
Friday, July 20, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
2 Months
Hello all,
I can't believe it's been two months. In some ways, it feels like years have gone by; in others it feels impossible that he's been gone two months. It feels impossible because I still can't process how a light that burned so bright and so strong has been extinguished. And that's the same reason it feels like an eternity has gone by in two months - I spend every day still trying to process this. I know you all miss him so much, too. I can't imagine how his coworkers feel walking by his now empty desk. Our home is simultaneously comforting and sad to me. I have to admit that I had no clue what dealing with a loss was like before this - none. I wish Scott was here so I could tell him how amazing I think he is for coping with the loss of his Mother, Aunt Pam and his Grandparents. I try to find the words to tell Memmom how strong I think she is for dealing with such loss in her life, and how much my heart breaks for her and everyone that ever has to feel like this. I just didn't know what a true broken heart felt like. Things are getting harder as time goes by. I'm told by those unfortunate enough to have dealt with this that that is normal. I try to look at all of those people and see how they've rebuilt their lives and stay strong enough to do the same. I'm blessed to have help and people looking out for me and I am so grateful. I am probably going to try to go to a support group for young widows next week and see if that is helpful. I'm just trying to believe time heals and I hope that it does for you, too - I hope you all are ok.
His service was beautiful. There were about 280 people there, and I know there would have been much more if those who couldn't make it would have been able to. He deserved that - he is loved and he made a difference and, of course, there were so many people there to pay their respects. I only know how many people were there from the sign-in book - I couldn't even bring myself to look around. The Rabbi performing the ceremony was a great guy, and beautiful words written by his brother Greg, Uncle Bear, Holly & Neil and my Dad were read by themselves, the Rabbi or others. I've been back to the cemetery once to see him - he has a beautiful view, at least.
I tried to be strong and write Scott's PA, our beloved Liz, about a week ago. I look back at my email and it was so full of typos and it didn't even sound like me who wrote it. She graciously replied anyway and said that they were all still thinking of him and missing him. Hello to everyone who reads this at Sylvester and 11 North. I think of you all so often and am so grateful you all took such good care of him. Hopefully has time goes on, I'll get the courage to come down for a visit.
Going back to work has been good. I work for an amazing company who truly supported me through all of this. Everyone has been great and understanding. Routine, albeit a new one, has been good. The puppies seem to be doing good, though I obsess over their well being all the time now. They now have a dog walker that comes by to take them for long walks and play time every day while I'm at work - they love it. Having them with me helps a lot, too. Maggie is so sweet, and though Oliver is sweet too, he's still crazy and that makes me smile.
What would have been Scott's 34th birthday is coming up on July 21st. I hope to be with his brother, Dee and my nephews that weekend, but please help me celebrate his life - the good times - on that day and honor his memory. Listen to Billy Joel - watch Star Wars - hug your doggies - do anything that makes you think of Scott and smile. It's so hard for me to get the bad thoughts out of my head yet - the memories of Scott who was suffering through the pain and anxiety in the end are still prevalent. I'm trying to focus on the happy memories and the healthy Scott and the difference he made in your life and mine.
I'll be honest - I've been dreading this blog post. I thought I'd do it soon after he passed, but every time I tried, I couldn't do it. Blogging before had a purpose - it was to let everyone know what was going on with Scott. I didn't even question that I had to do it - it was hard but had to be done. I felt like I had to do this tonight, to check in with you all and that I couldn't put it off anymore. I just wanted to say thank you to those that are still supporting me through this - those that have had to learn with me (or remember themselves) that every day is getting harder as reality sets in and affairs have to be handled, and those that are giving me the strength to keep going. I know it's not easy to not know what to say to me to ease the pain, but I appreciate that you still try. I miss him every minute of every day and I know he is missed by many. Thank you for keeping his memory alive.
I have one more post I want to do, and then it may be time to stop blogging here. I'll talk to you all soon.
Love,
Amy
I can't believe it's been two months. In some ways, it feels like years have gone by; in others it feels impossible that he's been gone two months. It feels impossible because I still can't process how a light that burned so bright and so strong has been extinguished. And that's the same reason it feels like an eternity has gone by in two months - I spend every day still trying to process this. I know you all miss him so much, too. I can't imagine how his coworkers feel walking by his now empty desk. Our home is simultaneously comforting and sad to me. I have to admit that I had no clue what dealing with a loss was like before this - none. I wish Scott was here so I could tell him how amazing I think he is for coping with the loss of his Mother, Aunt Pam and his Grandparents. I try to find the words to tell Memmom how strong I think she is for dealing with such loss in her life, and how much my heart breaks for her and everyone that ever has to feel like this. I just didn't know what a true broken heart felt like. Things are getting harder as time goes by. I'm told by those unfortunate enough to have dealt with this that that is normal. I try to look at all of those people and see how they've rebuilt their lives and stay strong enough to do the same. I'm blessed to have help and people looking out for me and I am so grateful. I am probably going to try to go to a support group for young widows next week and see if that is helpful. I'm just trying to believe time heals and I hope that it does for you, too - I hope you all are ok.
His service was beautiful. There were about 280 people there, and I know there would have been much more if those who couldn't make it would have been able to. He deserved that - he is loved and he made a difference and, of course, there were so many people there to pay their respects. I only know how many people were there from the sign-in book - I couldn't even bring myself to look around. The Rabbi performing the ceremony was a great guy, and beautiful words written by his brother Greg, Uncle Bear, Holly & Neil and my Dad were read by themselves, the Rabbi or others. I've been back to the cemetery once to see him - he has a beautiful view, at least.
I tried to be strong and write Scott's PA, our beloved Liz, about a week ago. I look back at my email and it was so full of typos and it didn't even sound like me who wrote it. She graciously replied anyway and said that they were all still thinking of him and missing him. Hello to everyone who reads this at Sylvester and 11 North. I think of you all so often and am so grateful you all took such good care of him. Hopefully has time goes on, I'll get the courage to come down for a visit.
Going back to work has been good. I work for an amazing company who truly supported me through all of this. Everyone has been great and understanding. Routine, albeit a new one, has been good. The puppies seem to be doing good, though I obsess over their well being all the time now. They now have a dog walker that comes by to take them for long walks and play time every day while I'm at work - they love it. Having them with me helps a lot, too. Maggie is so sweet, and though Oliver is sweet too, he's still crazy and that makes me smile.
What would have been Scott's 34th birthday is coming up on July 21st. I hope to be with his brother, Dee and my nephews that weekend, but please help me celebrate his life - the good times - on that day and honor his memory. Listen to Billy Joel - watch Star Wars - hug your doggies - do anything that makes you think of Scott and smile. It's so hard for me to get the bad thoughts out of my head yet - the memories of Scott who was suffering through the pain and anxiety in the end are still prevalent. I'm trying to focus on the happy memories and the healthy Scott and the difference he made in your life and mine.
I'll be honest - I've been dreading this blog post. I thought I'd do it soon after he passed, but every time I tried, I couldn't do it. Blogging before had a purpose - it was to let everyone know what was going on with Scott. I didn't even question that I had to do it - it was hard but had to be done. I felt like I had to do this tonight, to check in with you all and that I couldn't put it off anymore. I just wanted to say thank you to those that are still supporting me through this - those that have had to learn with me (or remember themselves) that every day is getting harder as reality sets in and affairs have to be handled, and those that are giving me the strength to keep going. I know it's not easy to not know what to say to me to ease the pain, but I appreciate that you still try. I miss him every minute of every day and I know he is missed by many. Thank you for keeping his memory alive.
I have one more post I want to do, and then it may be time to stop blogging here. I'll talk to you all soon.
Love,
Amy
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Rest in Peace
Loved ones,
Scott passed away this morning at 4:35am and is finally at peace. The pain and fear is gone, and I know he is already watching over us. His suffering is over. "Rest in Peace" - I never truly understood those words until now.
When I was writing my post last night, I was so fearful that he would continue to suffer and linger for many days, but it turns out he was waiting for his nephew's birthdays to pass like he said he wanted to. The day he found out that he had only days left, he asked what date it was. We told him it was April 16th, and he was scared that he would die on the 24th, on his beloved nephew's first birthdays. He wasn't going to let that happen, and if you know Scott, that shouldn't surprise you at all.
The funeral will be on Friday at 10:15am.
The funeral home is the Beth Israel Memorial Chapel
11115 Jog Road
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://www.bethisraelchapel.com/
The cemetary is the Eternal Light Memorial Gardnes
11520 State Road 7
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://maps.google.com/maps/place?q=eternal+light+memorial+gardens&hl=en&cid=14839868057363837533
This will not be the last post on this blog. In the coming days, I have much to say and share. I want to post pictures and stories about the wonderful man he was, and I want all of you to have the opportunity to do the same.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss - it's not just me or his family - we know all of you will miss him everyday. He touched so many hearts. Please keep your good memories of him with you to make you smile. He made a difference in this world.
Love,
Amy
Scott passed away this morning at 4:35am and is finally at peace. The pain and fear is gone, and I know he is already watching over us. His suffering is over. "Rest in Peace" - I never truly understood those words until now.
When I was writing my post last night, I was so fearful that he would continue to suffer and linger for many days, but it turns out he was waiting for his nephew's birthdays to pass like he said he wanted to. The day he found out that he had only days left, he asked what date it was. We told him it was April 16th, and he was scared that he would die on the 24th, on his beloved nephew's first birthdays. He wasn't going to let that happen, and if you know Scott, that shouldn't surprise you at all.
The funeral will be on Friday at 10:15am.
The funeral home is the Beth Israel Memorial Chapel
11115 Jog Road
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://www.bethisraelchapel.com/
The cemetary is the Eternal Light Memorial Gardnes
11520 State Road 7
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
http://maps.google.com/maps/place?q=eternal+light+memorial+gardens&hl=en&cid=14839868057363837533
This will not be the last post on this blog. In the coming days, I have much to say and share. I want to post pictures and stories about the wonderful man he was, and I want all of you to have the opportunity to do the same.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss - it's not just me or his family - we know all of you will miss him everyday. He touched so many hearts. Please keep your good memories of him with you to make you smile. He made a difference in this world.
Love,
Amy
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Checking in
Friends and Family,
We are still doing our best to keep Scott as comfortable as possible. The care he has been receiving at the hospice facility has been good. He is sleeping all the time now and is no longer lucid or talking at all. It's been devastating to watch him fighting with the pain and the anxiety, but now he's only stirring occasionally. It's so frustrating to me that the cancer rapidly took over his body in the last several months, but the time it's taking for the suffering to end has been excruciatingly slow. We all just want his suffering to end and for him to be at peace. I'm not sure if he's still fighting inside or it's just the fact that, before cancer, he was totally healthy and strong - this isn't supposed to happen at his age. It's so painful to watch my beautiful husband going through this. Please keep praying that he can be taken home and be with the loved ones he's lost soon.
I will write a post when I can to check in with you all. For those of you unaware of Jewish traditions, the funeral will be held very quickly after he passes - likely within 48 hours. I won't be able to give you much more notice than that.
There are no words to convey the gratitude myself and his family have for all of the support and kindness we have received. There's so many messages I have not been able to respond to yet. Please know that I am getting them and so appreciate them. I know many of you have worried that I am alone and please be assured I am surrounding by love and support. My family is here and taking care of me, our home and puppies. Scott's family (which is large) are all here for me, as well. I will have a long, different type of journey ahead after he passes, and my friends and family are all "on deck" to be there for when I'm ready for them. Many of you (you know who you are) have been patiently waiting for this part of the struggle to pass and understand that I will need you more for the next part - thank you for that.
Love to you all,
Amy
We are still doing our best to keep Scott as comfortable as possible. The care he has been receiving at the hospice facility has been good. He is sleeping all the time now and is no longer lucid or talking at all. It's been devastating to watch him fighting with the pain and the anxiety, but now he's only stirring occasionally. It's so frustrating to me that the cancer rapidly took over his body in the last several months, but the time it's taking for the suffering to end has been excruciatingly slow. We all just want his suffering to end and for him to be at peace. I'm not sure if he's still fighting inside or it's just the fact that, before cancer, he was totally healthy and strong - this isn't supposed to happen at his age. It's so painful to watch my beautiful husband going through this. Please keep praying that he can be taken home and be with the loved ones he's lost soon.
I will write a post when I can to check in with you all. For those of you unaware of Jewish traditions, the funeral will be held very quickly after he passes - likely within 48 hours. I won't be able to give you much more notice than that.
There are no words to convey the gratitude myself and his family have for all of the support and kindness we have received. There's so many messages I have not been able to respond to yet. Please know that I am getting them and so appreciate them. I know many of you have worried that I am alone and please be assured I am surrounding by love and support. My family is here and taking care of me, our home and puppies. Scott's family (which is large) are all here for me, as well. I will have a long, different type of journey ahead after he passes, and my friends and family are all "on deck" to be there for when I'm ready for them. Many of you (you know who you are) have been patiently waiting for this part of the struggle to pass and understand that I will need you more for the next part - thank you for that.
Love to you all,
Amy
Sunday, April 22, 2012
An update - we've moved
Friends and Family,
We have had to move Scott to a hospice facility today. While he was getting good care at home, the care he needs the most requires him to be in a facility so that they can give him IV medication and keep him more comfortable. The oral medications were not doing enough to control the pain and anxiety he is experiencing. He's been aware of what is going on most of the time (that started to noticebly decline yesterday and today) and he is scared. He doesn't want to die. It is the most horrible thing I have ever had to witness in my life. We made the right decision to move him and hope to have him feeling more comfortable soon.
We are now on the Hospice floor at Florida Medical Center in Lauderdale Lakes. http://www.fmc-campus.com/en-US/Careers/Pages/default.aspx. As the evil cancer continues to take over, his ability to hold normal conversations is almost gone. I expect that with the increase in medicine, that will continue to be the case. He has been able to say his goodbyes, and we have been able to say ours. We all just want him to be at peace now. Please hope and pray for his comfort and a speedy, peaceful passing.
I will continue to keep everyone posted as best as I can. Thank you to all that have sent their love and support and to the family and friends that are helping us get through this. Sadly, the hard part is nowhere near over - life without Scott will never be the same.
With Love,
Amy
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Scott is home
Friends,
Scott is home and under the care of hospice as of yesterday. Please feel free to come visit him when you are ready, if that's what you wish to do.
As his spouse, I get asked a lot "what do I say"? If you don't know what to say, I totally understand. I don't even know what to say to my husband other than I swear to take care of him and that I will love him forever. There just are no other words. If you come to see him, all you have to say is that you love him. That's all that needs to be said. He may ask you a question and get you talking about something else and if he does, just go with it. Let me also assure you, that if it's too hard for you to see Scott going through this - I get that too. I don't want to see Scott like this, either. It's heartbreaking that a beautiful man, my beautiful husband with the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen, is so sick. Just do what you can. I understand and Scott understands. We all cope differently and I completely respect that.
As of today, he's lucid most of the time. When he sleeps, the drugs have the effect of making him say weird things and make a lot of hand gestures (he either writes, or drives a stick-shift in his sleep most of the time). I think you'll be happy that you'll get to have a good conversation with him. He is using an oxygen mask, but is able to take it off from time to time to say something to you. Please know that we don't know if that could change day-to-day. I will keep everyone posted on that as best as I can.
I've asked over and over again if he's okay with so many people coming by and he keeps saying yes - he wants to see his family and friends. He wants to say goodbye. Seeing his nephews made his heart sing, and his Godson will be down shortly. He smiles a lot when they are around. He's happy when people remind him of funny stories and moments they have shared with him.
Hiscoworkers friends came by today and you should have seen how amazing he was - making them laugh. There were 7 of them and he had them all cracking up. He told them when they left it was a honor and a privelege to work with them, then cried so hard after they left because he just wants to be able to go back to work and that this wasn't happening.
He's so considerate of others, even through this. When the transport guys in the ambulance brought him home - he was still on the stretcher asking them if his wife could go get them something to drink. Even at the hospital this week, despite being in so much pain and so uncomfortable, he'd tell the nurses and techs "bye man - have a good day!". He's amazing. We are all so lucky we've had him in our lives.
If you don't already know how to get a hold of me to make arrangements for coming by, my email address is amygell88@gmail.com, or my cellphone is 954-464-0019. Call or email me and I will try to respond when I can. Please bear with me - my phone is ringing of the hook and my inbox is ridiculous - there's just so many people in the world that love Scott. Also, please call before making a long drive here - things can change at any time and we may need privacy for a bit.
If you can't come see him and you want to get a message to Scott, leave a comment on the blog or email me - I promise I'll get it to him.
Please continue praying for his comfort. The pain is sometimes very bad. Hospice is doing what they can and is here around the clock taking care of him.
Thank you for all the help, love and support so far - I know there's more to come and there's will be much more of a thank you to come from me later.
With Love,
Amy
P.S. Before I publish this, I just wanted to include my all-time favorite picture of Scott. He look so handsome - that smirk is so Scott.
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Scott is home and under the care of hospice as of yesterday. Please feel free to come visit him when you are ready, if that's what you wish to do.
As his spouse, I get asked a lot "what do I say"? If you don't know what to say, I totally understand. I don't even know what to say to my husband other than I swear to take care of him and that I will love him forever. There just are no other words. If you come to see him, all you have to say is that you love him. That's all that needs to be said. He may ask you a question and get you talking about something else and if he does, just go with it. Let me also assure you, that if it's too hard for you to see Scott going through this - I get that too. I don't want to see Scott like this, either. It's heartbreaking that a beautiful man, my beautiful husband with the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen, is so sick. Just do what you can. I understand and Scott understands. We all cope differently and I completely respect that.
As of today, he's lucid most of the time. When he sleeps, the drugs have the effect of making him say weird things and make a lot of hand gestures (he either writes, or drives a stick-shift in his sleep most of the time). I think you'll be happy that you'll get to have a good conversation with him. He is using an oxygen mask, but is able to take it off from time to time to say something to you. Please know that we don't know if that could change day-to-day. I will keep everyone posted on that as best as I can.
I've asked over and over again if he's okay with so many people coming by and he keeps saying yes - he wants to see his family and friends. He wants to say goodbye. Seeing his nephews made his heart sing, and his Godson will be down shortly. He smiles a lot when they are around. He's happy when people remind him of funny stories and moments they have shared with him.
His
He's so considerate of others, even through this. When the transport guys in the ambulance brought him home - he was still on the stretcher asking them if his wife could go get them something to drink. Even at the hospital this week, despite being in so much pain and so uncomfortable, he'd tell the nurses and techs "bye man - have a good day!". He's amazing. We are all so lucky we've had him in our lives.
If you don't already know how to get a hold of me to make arrangements for coming by, my email address is amygell88@gmail.com, or my cellphone is 954-464-0019. Call or email me and I will try to respond when I can. Please bear with me - my phone is ringing of the hook and my inbox is ridiculous - there's just so many people in the world that love Scott. Also, please call before making a long drive here - things can change at any time and we may need privacy for a bit.
If you can't come see him and you want to get a message to Scott, leave a comment on the blog or email me - I promise I'll get it to him.
Please continue praying for his comfort. The pain is sometimes very bad. Hospice is doing what they can and is here around the clock taking care of him.
Thank you for all the help, love and support so far - I know there's more to come and there's will be much more of a thank you to come from me later.
With Love,
Amy
P.S. Before I publish this, I just wanted to include my all-time favorite picture of Scott. He look so handsome - that smirk is so Scott.
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Monday, April 16, 2012
The worst post I've ever had to write
Friends and Family,
This is the worst blog post I've ever had to write. I have to tell you that Scott's chemo adventure is coming to a very unhappy ending. We were told today that Scott has only days left with us - maybe as much as a couple weeks. His cancer is evil and relentleness and will not stop. The time has come for hospice and to focus on keeping him comfortable. We took him to the hospital in Miami this weekend because his breathing has become extremely labored. The tumors in his lungs have started to take over and there is a lot of fluid in his lungs. There are now tumors in his elbow and his knee. There will be no more tests to see if it's anywhere else - there is no need to know anymore. All we have to know right now is that he will be comfortable, and his Dad and I will be make sure of it. I know I normally share so many details with you about everything that's happening, but the truth it, it's not really relevant anymore. This is what we need to know - that he's being taken care of and that he'll be kept comfortable. His Doctors have all be en amazing and have done everything they could for him.
I am devestated. We are all devasted. This is the most unfair thing i've ever experienced. I know you are all going to ask if we're ok and the answer is no - but we will be in time. We are as ok as we can be right now. We hope to bring him home for hospice on Wednesday. My next posts will be about when he's home and when you can come see him. If you are able to come see him, please be prepared to see him tired, and heavily medicated. I'm sorry you can't see him in a better state - things just happened so fast.
I'm so sorry that you and me and the world has to say goodbye to the most amazing man.
Thank you for the love and prayers and support.
Love,
Amy
This is the worst blog post I've ever had to write. I have to tell you that Scott's chemo adventure is coming to a very unhappy ending. We were told today that Scott has only days left with us - maybe as much as a couple weeks. His cancer is evil and relentleness and will not stop. The time has come for hospice and to focus on keeping him comfortable. We took him to the hospital in Miami this weekend because his breathing has become extremely labored. The tumors in his lungs have started to take over and there is a lot of fluid in his lungs. There are now tumors in his elbow and his knee. There will be no more tests to see if it's anywhere else - there is no need to know anymore. All we have to know right now is that he will be comfortable, and his Dad and I will be make sure of it. I know I normally share so many details with you about everything that's happening, but the truth it, it's not really relevant anymore. This is what we need to know - that he's being taken care of and that he'll be kept comfortable. His Doctors have all be en amazing and have done everything they could for him.
I am devestated. We are all devasted. This is the most unfair thing i've ever experienced. I know you are all going to ask if we're ok and the answer is no - but we will be in time. We are as ok as we can be right now. We hope to bring him home for hospice on Wednesday. My next posts will be about when he's home and when you can come see him. If you are able to come see him, please be prepared to see him tired, and heavily medicated. I'm sorry you can't see him in a better state - things just happened so fast.
I'm so sorry that you and me and the world has to say goodbye to the most amazing man.
Thank you for the love and prayers and support.
Love,
Amy
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